Fear

I think I remember when I was as scared, scared as against afraid, as I am now. I think it was when I was five years old –or maybe ten.

I have been wanting to go running early in the mornings ever since I have been here in Delhi. So far it has been the cold that has prevented me from daring of venture out of my warm sleeping bag –but then, on those days my eyes would open at about five or six in the morning and shut within almost no time. Today, I have been up since 5 AM and my eyes haven’t really shut me back to sleep. I really want to go running today. The time right now is 6:25 AM and that’s how long it has taken me to even get to me computer and write this. And the fallen mercury is not the reason.

It is still pitch dark and one can hear the watchman blow his whistle and hitting his baton against the road and making sounds that go ‘tak… tak… tak-tak’. A truck roars past on a nearby highway every few minutes. It is still pitch dark.

As a child I was scared in the dark. I would have dreams of being eaten up by a giant yellow duckling with red wings –a magnified version of toy answering that description –eaten in one peck. While walking in then dark I would break into sweat (maybe literally) in fear of being shot with a double barreled rifle –like the bandits in Hindi movies use.

Last night we were talking of how unsafe Delhi is against Mumbai. One even spoke about how people in Kota –a small town would mercilessly get butchered for a few Rupees or next to valueless things. This, against the backdrop of about 31 kids’ skeletons having been found behind a house, which is a few blocks from where I put up here in Noida – a satellite town –a few kilometers from New Delhi. The kids (boys and girls) were butchered after being raped by two men.

And it isn’t only today that I feel so scared; I have been so since last night when I was driven to riding my motorcycle at an insane speed of not less than 80 km an hour while returning from a friend’s after dinner.

I have not been this scared in over a decade; not even when I traveled to the remotest of places in India –not even at night with no street lights. Today, I have been so scared, of something uncertain that I have spent close to two hours entertaining this fear. It is insane. I have even run the fear of having a schizophrenic streak. Writing this helps. I do not feel the fear anymore.

Looks like the Sun is set to rise in a few minutes now… I better go running.

Cheers!